i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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