my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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