I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
