Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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