My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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