I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
