dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Randomize