it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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