Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
my poor anus
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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