the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
