I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
