I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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