After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
