Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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