She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
