Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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