she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
