and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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