I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
