So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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