there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
