You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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