I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
