I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
