I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
