just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
