John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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