So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
