i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
