He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
