Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
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