T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
