i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
