thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
