I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
