and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
