I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
im drinking this country out of the recession.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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