I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
