You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
