I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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