Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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