it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need to calm my uterus...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize