I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
