I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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