Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
