Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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