Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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