my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
