His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
