My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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