i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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