so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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