I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
