Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize