I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
