Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Randomize
