Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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