im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
